Every day in my Facebook news feed I see at least three quotes about fear. And I never really understood why fear is such a big deal. Until last night. Last night I experienced Fear worthy of a quote.
My life has been a bit unconventional. Based on my personal choices and the decisions life sometimes makes for us, I’ve found myself outside the norm more than inside it. Maybe because of this, I’ve come to see fear as a friend. Often fear has been a beacon pointing the way for me. I feel the pit in my stomach and hear my heart beating in my ears, and I know I’m probably on to something. Most of the good things in my life have come from following my fear.
Being friends with fear probably requires a good dose of self-confidence – which I have. I am convinced I am smart enough, cranky enough and capable enough to navigate the obstacles that separate me from what I want. And if what I want doesn’t come with its share of fear, then maybe it’s not worth pursuing. I have truly believed if there’s a will, there’s a way.
So up until last night, it had been a long time since I had experienced the threat of Fear and how ugly it can feel.
Nearly seven weeks ago I registered for Battle of the Barbells. When I registered I knew the few months prior to the competition would fly by, and I needed to start preparing immediately. During every WOD since I’ve registered, Battle of the Barbells has been in the back of my mind. I’ve put in extra work on pull ups and double unders. I’ve committed to a nutrition plan. I’ve increased my metcons in hopes of tackling my major weakness (and nemesis): conditioning.
This competition is supposed to redeem my last-place finish at the Easter Throwdown. It’s supposed to validate all the time and energy I devote to CrossFit. It’s supposed to prove to me that I am making progress.
Last night I couldn’t lift within 20 pounds of my 1RM power clean.
My double unders sucked.
The heavy kettlebell swings, which are normally a strength for me, kicked my ass.
And Battle of the Barbells is only four weeks away.
As I drove home it occurred to me that this time I wasn’t smart, cranky or capable enough to see this thing through. For once, a will to succeed would not provide a way. I am not a natural athlete. I’m awkward and clumsy, slow and cerebral. So why do I have a desire to excel at something in which the best I’ll ever be is average?
Fear gripped me and squeezed. The only thing I could do is back out. I’d lose the registration fee, but that is a small price to pay for saving myself from facing the inevitable truth displayed on a competition leaderboard: I suck at CrossFit.
I’m terrified that I will come in last. I’m scared that CrossFit is not worth the time I commit to it. I am horrified by the thought that I am not making progress. And if I back out of Battle of the Barbells, none of these fears will be confirmed.
I actually laughed. Such a simple solution. WODs would become WODs again, instead of possible indicators of competition success or failure. I could lay off the extra after-class work and get home sooner. Hell, I could eat some Halloween candy. By the time I pulled into the garage I was giddy with the idea of jumping ship. I would cancel tonight…right after dinner. Or after I watched a movie. Or after I had done some writing. Or maybe tomorrow.
But I didn’t.
I thought about my sophomore year in high school when I decided I would be on the Cross Country team. I joined because I loved to run. We ran all over town – jumping over rain-filled potholes, passing abandoned houses on graveled back roads. We ran through fields with grass so high and thick it cut your shins. I always fell behind, plodding along, hoping not to lose sight of the group and get lost. By the end of the competition season, the mothers from all the different schools would cheer my name. Because they recognized me. Because I always came in last. I’d lie if I said I hadn’t enjoyed the notoriety just a bit.
I’m still registered for Barbells. I’m a competitor. And I’ve worked hard, despite how I measure up against others.
But last night’s Fear magnified a few truths I have avoided. When I started CrossFit 18 months ago, the only thing it interfered with was watching my favorite TV shows while eating my favorite snacks. But one of the side effects of this CrossFit experience is being unable to settle for less than what I am capable of doing. Lately I’ve been stressed about lack of time – for my husband, for my writing, for pursuing these life dreams I have. Maybe it’s time to take CrossFit a little less seriously. Maybe it’s time to use this amazing thing I’ve found as a way to elevate my performance in life, not just in the gym.
Maybe Fear is still my beacon.
What is your relationship with fear?
Well written! No one sets out to be last but someone will be and that’s ok. I think the real tragedy would be to have fear get the best of you. Success is more than the spot you finish in. It’s about setting a goal and going after it. We don’t always achieve the goals we originally set…maybe it’s not about just growing in physical ability, but in our self understanding.
Girl. I could have written this myself.
So I have a lifting meet tomorrow – first competition that is solely focused on lifting. I had a pretty big crossfit-meltdown a couple months back (http://www.winetoweightlifting.com/nothing-goes-right-stop/).. and it did help me to take a step back and think OKAY. I LOVE Crossfit.. but Crossfit isn’t my whole life. How I do in WODs and how quickly my lifts are going up and all of these muscle-up progressions that I am doing and still not getting a muscle-up.. that’s all OKAY..
You have put in all of the hard work and you are being the best version of YOU, regardless of the competition. I have someone at my box that when we started together we were neck in neck in lifts. And she is better than me. She’s faster than me and a bit stronger than me. I get jealous sometimes; I am putting in so much work and I am getting what I thought was so much better.. yet she still beats me. Because OTHERS are getting better, too.
Even if you did end up coming in last, that is no reflection at all on your progress or your efforts that you have put in.
So this meet tomorrow.. we had to estimate our max back squat and max daedlift; then when they sent out the heat assignments these numbers were included in the participation list. My numbers are the lowest on the sheet. By probably 20#. I am almost guaranteed a last-place finish and let me tell you how discouraged I am by that.. BUT this is the new me (since I wrote that post above and cried it all out.. lol).. I am going to do the best that I can and hey, that’s all we can do!
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I’m so glad you’re coming to our box for battle of the barbell!! I asked the owner and my trainer if I should do scaled or Rx. I’m right in the middle but lean more towards Rx. He said to me that all else being equal – fun and safety are the tiebreakers. He said I’d have more fun doing scaled and it would be safer for me. So I signed up for scaled. While it is a competition it’s supposed to be fun! the we came in last at takes two to tango few weekends back in women’s Rx and I’ve never been prouder. You signed up to compete and that’s takes tremendous courage. It’s safe to sit on the sidelines. But when you compete you’re on display and that takes GREAT courage 🙂
Becky, I think it’s really important for you to disavow the suggestion of your knowledgeable trainer and sign up for the Rx division.
Wow. Intense piece. Fear rules my life, and most of the time it’s in a negative way. Fear of failing so I don’t try. Fear of disappointing someone so I won’t try and do something for me. And the whole why try so hard when the best you’ll be is average…. You took the words out of my mouth. I look at my CrossFit differently because for me, it’s the best I’ve ever been in a fitness or competitive setting. That’s big for me. Sounds like this is the best for you too. Thats something, right? It has to be, or else what are we even doing? What are so many CrossFitters doing if being the best they have ever been isn’t worth something? It is worth something. CrossFit, as cliche as it is to say, has given me strength outside physical strength, strength to overcome fear in life outside of CrossFit. Competition, for most of us, isn’t the be all end all of CF. For what that’s worth, that already makes us winners.
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Hey, Chris. You’re right. By doing CrossFit, not only am I in the best shape of my life, I’ve also stuck with something long term. What I’m saying is that now it’s time to transfer some of the energy, time and focus I give to CrossFit and apply it to other areas of my life. My CrossFit experience has reignited in me a desire to succeed – and because of that, I’ve started to reacquaint myself with goals I abandoned…things where I can truly excel. In CrossFit I have found something I love doing and has helped me improve my life. Now it only makes sense to use these new skills in areas of my life where (with hard work, determination and obsession) I can rise above average.
We all have bad days, days when our maxes seem totally and completely unachievable. In fact, I had one of those days last week, too. I swore up and down that I was literally regressing in my training, and I was pissed about it. I thought that I needed to up my intensity, give it more and commit more time, but then I came to my senses and realized that I just had an off day and that’s okay.
Competing definitely makes Crossfit more serious. The fear sets in and you suddenly think, “What the f was I thinking.” I know I’ve been there. Just know that you are not the only one that’s scared of coming in last. Whether you compete or not, you should be super proud of all your success!
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